Thursday, 12 October 2017

Why i have not been posting....

I have managed only one post in the last ten months. That makes me sad. While i would love to write a long post explaining why, i have only got time/energy to write a list of the things that have been getting in my way.

  • I moved house again. Now three months in and we have yet to get round to organising curtains, a place to put our clothes, a bed......my husband keeps saying why don't we just pay someone to come round and tell us what we need and get it for us. Let's just say i've always been the one who is good with money in our house....
  • Headlice. Really really difficult to get rid of, it turns out. After many many hours holding down a screaming four year old while i try to comb them out, we have now resorted to a buzz cut instead. And had to throw away his striped pyjamas as a result.
  • School is a thing now. And it turns out that in 2017 schools are still largely run under the assumption that schoolchildren have mummies who stay at home wishing someone would provide them a way to fill their time while their darlings are at school. The list of encroachments into my time are endless, from settling-in visits, to parents evenings, home work, training days, dress-up days, half terms and holiday clubs who don't bother to tell you until the week before half term that they're not running in half term actually. This is before we have even had any sick days to contend with. Having looked forwards to the 'free childcare' for years i'm now realising that nursery was much, much easier on the parents.
  • Marriage.  I can't say i wasn't warned. But it still takes me aback to affirm that the hardest thing about being a parent, for me at least, is my husband.  I'll just be diplomatic and say that all the normal sources of conflict in a relationship seem to be magnified a hundred-fold when work demands require you to parent as a tag-team. There is no quality time, there is no consensus about who is in charge or what the rules are and an hour's relationship counselling each week is a drop in a cold vast ocean. I have already mentioned that my bar for success is set very low at the moment - if all four of us are still alive at the end of a week i give myself a clap on the back. Here is another low bar - if I am still married to my husband in 10 years time it will be an actual miracle.
Reading my to-do list feels like wrestling a poisonous hydra lately, the sharp-fanged heads are multiplying way faster than i can chop them down and besides i am straight terrified of snakes. So in a pale attempt to get a grip on things here is a list instead of things i have achieved and can feel chuffed about over the last 10 months:
  • I'm still feeding Fia. I may only see her for a fraction of her waking day, i may not have gotten round to taking her to a single mother-and-baby class, i may ignore her for most of the time i do see her because i'm too busy wrangling her brother out of some kind of situation. But at 15 months of age at least i can still say that she gets some of my white gold every day.
  • I've put Orson to bed all but a handful of nights.
  • I learnt a ton of important and useful stuff i didn't previously know about feminist philosophy.
  • I got some really warm appreciation from students I helped.
  • I remembered a whole bunch of birthdays and sent gifts, even if they were late.
  • I got some great academic feedback for my lectures.
  • I've done my bit to keep the wheels of academia turning, albeit by a fraction, with my refereeing and editing work.
  • I got some good feedback about my published work.
  • I survived a hellishly stressful ten months involving two house moves, a new job, two brand new lecture courses, a badly-sleeping six month old, a strong-willed four year old who endured five different changes of day care, and a grumpy husband.
  • Every one is still alive.
Next goals:
  • make some friends
  • unpack some boxes
  • prep the next lecture courses
  • defeat the headlice
  • carry on staying alive

No comments: